Yolanda Hadid is holding nothing back when speaking about her struggles with lyme disease, and its harrowing effects on her body and brain.
In her new memoir, Believe Me: My Battle with the Invisibility of Lyme Disease, the mom of three revealed that she once considered suicide during her darkest hours while battling the illness. "I'm such a fighter, but I had to surrender," Hadid confessed to People about the days she'd spend 22 hours in bed.
But it was during a Florida vacation with her former husband David Foster two years after her diagnosis that the former model's pain became unbearable. "God please just take me away in a wave," she writes in the book. "I can't live like this one more day. Please carry my body away. I just want to disappear."
She confessed that her children, Gigi, Bella, and Anwar, saved her from taking her own life. "It shifts my consciousness immediately and that's the only thing that keeps me from letting myself drift and drown."
Though she is still fighting for a cure, Hadid is in a healthy state that "feels like remission."
"As difficult as these past five years have been, I am so grateful that this journey has led me to living in the light," she stated. "I have had it all and lost it all, only to realize that less is more, money can't buy you health or happiness, and one day at a time is good enough."
This article originally appeared on InStyle.