So my dear friends, shall we discuss the second episode of The Bachelor? Or, as it shall henceforth be known, Mean Girls: The Sequel.
Tonight's episode saw the formation of the confident (read: nasty) girl gang of Jennifer, Leah and the random other one.
They high-fived in slow motion after dishing out mundane insults and attempted to kiss the hot guy simply to stir up trouble. It had a real ~80s high school romantic comedy~ vibe, only they're not the shy pretty girl who ends up with Luke Perry... they're the other ones who stay in the small town and remain bitter. But, I digress.
The episode kicked off with the very first single date, which was handed out to stunning pyromaniac Elora. Their dolphin watching extravaganza was off to a stellar start, with riveting conversation about things! And stuff! To be honest I couldn't tell you what chit-chat ensued as I was blown away by Elora's enviable luscious hair and her statement earrings.
I was drawn away from the hair-jewellery combo, however, when Elora rudely mentioned she-who-must-not-be-named from last season. LET A MAN LIVE IN THE PRESENT, ELORA! Geeze.
The pair shared a romantic hug before disembarking the boat and moving to a magic couch in a random room, because there is always a cosy couch in a convenient location when you are on a first date. It's ~The Bachelor~ after all. After receiving a beautiful rose from Matty J, Elora returned home to a den of witches.
In quite lovely terms, she attempted to explain to the girls how mesmerising and "real" Matty was. For some reason still unknown to scientists and scholars such as myself, the mean girl squad appeared to think snorting and repeating the word "real" was a killer insult.
It actually physically hurt me/probably the rest of Australia to watch their smug faces during this god-awful schoolyard taunting session.
"BUY A THESAURUS! GET A WIDER VOCABULARY AND BETTER VARIETY OF INSULTS OR LEAVE, LADIES!" I screamed at my television. At least Keira was creative about her nastiness.
Next up was the group date and you better believe the producers were cackling over a cauldron when they dreamt up this scene. Some of the lucky ladies were chosen to partake in the annual Bachie photoshoot, with some interesting themes picked for the snaps.
All I can say is that Jennifer was serving up a lewk in this lifeguard get-up, and that lewk is probably best described as "Sideshow Bob gets a job at the local swimming pool."
Of course, Jen is wild and cannot be tamed ala Miley Cyrus in 2009. So, naturally, she took off the costume, dived into the pool and wrapped herself around Matty like the drama-loving octopus from Finding Dory. My heart went out to poor Florence who had to pose with a rainbow beach ball in the corner while Matty planned his escape route.
Then came an ACTUAL 80s themed dance scene, complete with somebody doing the worm! It even had mean girls standing in the corner of the faux-prom plotting the takedown of the one the cool guy actually wanted to spend time with AKA Laura. I mean... I'm just saying... we know how this ends.
Perhaps my favourite moment in Bachie history happened during Leah's 'Grease' inspired shoot, which featured the same bike/tension from Alex and Richie's shoot the previous season. We see you, Channel Ten.
If there's one thing I admire about Leah, and I'll be honest there is literally only one thing, it's that she has an unshakable belief in her dateability.
She's like a majestic, delusional unicorn and I'm quickly becoming obsessed with her increasingly vapid actions. Take, for example, her attempt to kiss a dude who very clearly didn't want to be kissed? Or how about the fact that she willingly told him she only did it to ruffle some feathers?
After Kiss-Gate 2017, Matty brought a basket of muffins to the mansion and was met with such joy I have to wonder if they have access to food? Anyway, he stopped by with the treats as a nifty excuse to pick up pretty girl Lisa for a date and honestly I can't be bothered talking about their bland tennis adventure.
Lisa worked very hard to continue the "cool girl" impression she created last night, what with her #relatable confession about liking shorts and disliking compliments. She is a tomboy-cool-girl champion of the regular people. Hazzah!
No hate, Lisa seems lovely. She had all the fun on their date and pushed Matty into a pool, he put some food on her face, she scored a rose. That's about it.
TO THE ROSE CEREMONY! Where we had our first official fight of the season.
Leah and Jen attempted to cause a rift between Simone and Elora, by implying they would turn on each other for Matty J. Leah also straight up lied to the entire room, saying Simone had complained about Elora getting the first date.
Hands up if you're getting flashbacks to the nasty girls from your high school?
In an incredibly bold move, Simone and Elora had the nerve to stand up for themselves by saying "I don't think you're very nice" in a calm tone. The outrage!!! Jen erupted, of course, and threw out defensive statements that contradicted literally everything she has said to the camera since the show began.
"Not sure why I'm getting targeted," she said after spending the entire episode stirring the pot.
"I'm like, I haven't said a bad word about either of you but okay," she giggled, after saying a plethora of bad things.
You get the point, and fortunately so did everyone watching. Nothing brings the Australian people together quite like mutual hatred:
Anyway. The Mean Girls Sequel Squad made it through the rose ceremony thanks to the producers, and they have vowed to "finish" the girls who wronged them... despite the fact that literally no one else is starting feuds. Lord help us all.