But before we begin, I'd like to discuss the disturbing interview Matty J gave on The Project ahead of the premiere. Speaking to the hosts, the star revealed The Bachelor would no longer be referring to him as Matty J, now that he was the sole Matty on a TV show. To this I say a loud, potentially dramatic, "hell no."
So anyway, FKA Matty J had his heart ripped to pieces in front of the entire nation last year and, for some reason, he was ready to do it all again. So, let's go meet the 22 incredibly similar looking Australian women who want to fight for one man on reality TV for the chance to become the next major social media influencer Bachelor winner.
Let’s dive into our super ~scholarly~ analysis of Episode 1... And by scholarly, I mean I just tell you all of my emotional feelings about how it went down.
First up, the Channel Ten gods did not disappoint when it came to the earth-shattering opening montage, and for that the world is truly ~hashtag blessed~
Once we'd established that FKA Matty J was still attractive and able to stare longingly into the distance, we met the most unsettling collection of women the show has ever produced.
There were some notable standouts, of course, and they came with uplifting violin soundtracks and some decent air time. There was Laura the jewellery designer AKA Georgia Love 2.0, Tara the teacher who spoke incredibly loud and couldn't remember where her own tattoo was, and Lisa who is literally the most attractive person I've ever seen in my life. Her bright, white smile will haunt me for years.
Then... there were... the others. In a sea of women seeking validation on television, there will always be a group who rise to the occasion and serve up the drama for no apparent reason.
Requirements for this role tend to include having an obnoxiously loud voice, claiming "I don't do drama" repeatedly while causing drama, or just generally having some interesting quirks the viewer can't quite wrap their head around. So who is this year's villain? The 2017 version of Keira "moll" Maguire, if you will?
We have Jennifer, who burst into tears over a comment about mud on her dress after claiming she was confident and every woman should be afraid of her. But Jen isn't all bad news. She actually uttered the phrase "I'm trying to find someone who makes my ovaries tingle." This is officially my new Tinder pick up line, so the men of the world have that to be thankful for.
Then, we have Leah, who boldly ignored half the contestants for no reason upon entrance and quickly began hurling insults. Two gals really doing the most to prove they are mature, respectable women.
More important than the villains, though, is the quality entertainment. Last night we met Australian national treasure Natalie, who began her journey to find love with some upfront honesty about her dating ritual and tbh she's my new inspiration.
"Six months of Instagram stalking has led me to this moment," she revealed, before telling the man she's attempting to date that her hands were "moist."
She proceeded to SNIFF her own hands, and proclaim: "He's just as good as on Instagram and his hands weren’t as sweaty as mine, so that’s a win."
Then there was Akoulina, who appeared to think rhythmic gymnastics is the answer to all her dating woes. Sorry, girl, but "Im going to wrap him up in my ribbon" and "I present myself as a present to you" are not the words of a winner. Actually more the kind of thing someone taking you hostage in a horror movie might say.
TO THE DINNER PARTY!
With all the guests getting cosy, and somewhat tipsy, things got out of hand quickly, though there were a few standout quotes.
"Leah made a very grand entrance, and why not when your ass is showing through a net" - Tara elegantly remarked as Leah walked into the room.
"She's (fire wielding Elora) going up to Matty being all ‘look at me’. Its just fire. She's just gonna get herself caught on fire" - says the woman who just sashayed her way into the competition with some ribbon twirling.
Elora is someone Matty would "kick out in the morning, certainly wouldn’t wife that" - Leah's super empowering comments about another woman.
Putrid-gate was the highlight of the evening, if we're being honest. Unheard of contestant Elizabeth made a name for herself by calling Jennifer's white, mud-covered dress "putrid."
The "confident" and "mature" Jennifer went on to cause several scenes, label Elizabeth a bitch, a moll, question her education because she obviously didn't mean to say "putrid" and - in my favourite moment - claimed Elizabeth was "this year's Keira." One has to assume at this point Jennifer was staring into a mirror, right?
The rose ceremony went off without a hitch thanks to Osher's meticulous flower math, and two random ladies we've never seen were evicted. We wish Monica and Stacey well, and remind them they are lucky to have missed out on spending several weeks in a cult-like house when there are literally only three girls FKA Matty J seems interested in.